I want to take a moment and acknowledge what I have learned about myself since I have implemented a daily meditation practice for 25-27 minutes a day, sometimes twice a day.
The first thing I have learned in this week is that I truly do not like change, which I never consciously acknowledged before now. As I wrote earlier in the week, we moved around a lot when I was younger (from the age of when I was born to 8 years old), and though now I feel all of the moves we went through have benefited me in so many ways, somewhere along the line I formed the unconscious belief that change is bad. Having this belief is not a good one to have considering it is fatal for you physically, mentally and emotionally since in order to progress in this world we must evolve and adapt. With that said, I am on a conscious path to help my unconscious overcome this instilled belief that change is bad, when in fact, it is good and necessary.
Secondly, I have learned that I do not fully love myself. If you think about it, loving yourself holds the same rules as loving your boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse; in order to love someone, you must fully trust them. If you are constantly insecure in a relationship, always angry at them, or bawling your eyes out when you’re not with them, chances are you are not in love with them, but rather, you are infatuated with them in an unhealthy way. When you truly love someone, you trust them, and you have a healthy balance with how much you cry or get angry with them –every relationship has peaks and valleys, but if you’re always in a valley, it’s time to reevaluate your relationship.
I am not angry with myself or crying all of the time for no apparent reason, but I realized I do not trust myself, which is a huge element of love. I am always second-guessing my decisions and actions, which results in my mind getting plagued with these negative thoughts that if I don’t succeed, I fail, and if I fail I let everyone down, and everyone depends on me to hold things together. I don’t know how to trust myself enough because I am afraid of making the wrong decision, and ultimately failing.
Now consciously, I know that if I were to fail, I wouldn’t lose the love of my family, husband, or friends. I also consciously know that without failure, life would cease to exist because simply living your life means to experience, and experiences always have an end-result of being successful (a win) or unsuccessful (a fail). However, unconsciously I have formed this belief that failure is not an option, and if I do fail, it will end disastrously.
How unrealistic is that for me to have formed that belief? Failure means an opportunity to grow. Failure means to graciously accept defeat, reevaluate a situation, and look where you went wrong. Failure teaches you how to take an unfortunate outcome and make it into a positive learning EXPERIENCE. God loves you regardless of how “successful” you are in this world. He/She loves you, and simply wants you to experience this life they have generously and lovingly created for us all.
Regardless, I do hold this belief that things will fall apart if I fail, and because of this belief, I am unable to trust myself. Since I am unable to trust myself, I do not fully love myself. SO, I am on my journey of making my unconscious realize that I am only responsible for my own happiness, and no one else’s. Once I can believe that on my unconscious level, with the help of meditation, self-care, love, and friends, I will eventually be able to trust myself and fully love myself. It’s a long process, but it is so worth the outcome.
God bless, and Namaste,